Value of a Man
by Suz24
Summary: Beckett realizes her true feelings for Castle after dodging death once again, but when she shows up at his apartment hours later, he's no where to be found. He had said they would kill her, but would they kill him? Alternate ending to "Always"
1. Chapter 1

**Hi. I'm sort of new to Castle, so I have no idea where this came from, other than the amaze-balls season finale. This is sort of an alternate ending to that. There's a brief recap of some of the things that happened in the episode, but the point of the story will be more introduced next chapter.**

**Disclaimer- I don't own anything Castle. Though I do plan to buy a Box set of one of the seasons soon.**

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Beckett's legs swung over the ledge of the building, the same building she had been hanging onto for dear life only hours earlier. So much had changed. For a moment, she allowed herself to picture falling, to picture that Ryan hadn't saved her. She would be a splat on the ground, dead. The picture seemed more pleasant than the one she faced now.

She didn't want to understand Castles reasoning for lying to her all this time, but she did. She got it now, she would do anything. Anything to have him safe again. She got it now, when it was too late.

Her thoughts nagged her—was it worth it? Was losing him worth it? Her head fell into her hands, she wanted to cry. But the tears never came; she just couldn't bring herself to have a moment to let all her anxiety free. There were too many thoughts ravaging her mind for that.

Was his life worth finding her Mom's killer? She never truly thought about the value of her own life when chasing the killer. Castle did, he saw the value, what she was throwing away. But the situation was reversed now. Who thought about the value of his life? At the time it didn't seem like he was the one in danger. She didn't think that his life would have to be given for her Mother's case. The worst case scenario had always been that she would die.

And now, she didn't care if her Mother's case was ever completely solved, as long as Castle was safe.

She didn't think. He told her to stop and she didn't. She owed him that much, didn't she? She owed it to him to stop and she let him down. And now...she may never see Castle again.

...

"Because I love you."

The words still rung in Beckett's head long after he left. She had heard them before, been pretending like she had never heard them for too long now. The words were like an annoying bell. A bell that was too loud and too high pitched. She covered her ears, as if that would make the sound fade away. Although, an even louder sound, a more painful one, was entering her consciousness.

"This is over, I'm done," The sound of the door slamming made her flinch.

Those words hurt more, the sound rung deep in her chest like a knife piercing her skin. She didn't have time for this, for the anger, the betrayal, for Richard Castle. She didn't have time for this. She didn't have time to feel, she had to find the killer. She was so close this time, how dare him for getting in her way.

How dare him for trying to stop her, for playing with her life. She would find the killer and she would come out alive. With or without him.

The ring of her cell phone helped distract her from the sound of his voice, still lingering in her mind.

"Beckett," she answered, strong. In control.

It was Espo, "We have a lead."

...

Kate grabbed the suspect, throwing him to the ground. This one was strong, he didn't go down easily. She pointed her gun to him, finally, she got him. Maybe…Just maybe, she will finish this once and for all. The scar over her heart seemed like it was demanding vengeance. Oh, how much pain has this man, had all of them caused her?

"You're under arr-" the suspect was quick; he quickly knocked her gun right out of her hands before she could react. He took off running. Beckett took a moment to recover, before breaking into a sprint after him. She caught up to him and tried to tackle him from behind, using all her strength to take him down. He easily overtook her, throwing her to the ground, his hands clenched tightly around her neck.

This wasn't the first time he tried to kill Kate Beckett. She just refused to die.

She gasped for air as he threw her. She hit the stone of the roof with a sickening thwack. Beckett's body protested in pain, but still, she got up.

"Please just tell me who is behind this? She begged, her willpower decreasing by the second. The pain in her limbs clouding her mind. She had no gun, how was she going to win this fight?

"You have no idea who you're up against," He said with a menacing grin. That did it, her anger flared. She shot up and charged him. Putting all her weight and strength as she lunged for him.

"Neither do you!" she grabbed at his neck, trying to take him down, but he remained unfazed. He threw her off again, this time it caused Beckett to hit the ground, her body rolling with the momentum. She tried to stop it, but her body flew over the edge of the building. She clawed the ledge for her life. But it was useless; she was slipping, only her fingers holding her up now.

"Actually we know exactly what we are up against" the man said, he smiled at her. Beckett's desperation increased at the message in his eyes. He knew she would fall to her death, the thought pleased him.

"Please, help!" she screamed, she couldn't die now, not like this. Her fingers burned with the burden of holding her weight, she tried to pull herself up, failing miserable as the stone of the building slipped out of her grasp. Leaving her desperately holding on with only one hand.

_Not like this_, she thought.

For a moment, her mind strayed to words said to her what seemed like a lifetime ago.

"_They'll kill you Kate."_

She really would die over this case. She should've listened to Castle. Images flashed in her mind, a cold freezer her body on the verge of death with him still there, still trying to tell her not to give up. A flooded car, Castle shooting through her seat belt, freeing her from the jaws of death once again.

Castle, begging her to stop. Begging her to stay with him, that he loved her. He had always been there; every time she was in death's hold he broke her free. For a moment she swore she heard his voice.

"Beckett?"

"Castle!" she shouted back, praying that he found her in time. "Castle!"

"Beckett!"

She couldn't hold on any longer. She felt her right hand slipping, in her mind she begged her body to hold on, just a few more seconds. Her fingers were slipping off the edge. In that moment, hands flew out and caught her wrist, she couldn't believe it.

She cheated death yet again.

Castle.

She was pulled up, so relieved, so thankful that he had saved her yet again. But as she was pulled to safety she was surprised to see that it wasn't Castle. Ryan stood staring at her, a team with him. Gates stood off to the side, glaring at her.

She ignored their stares; she couldn't care less about whatever Gates decided to do to punish her. She had only one thought, one person, on her mind.

"Castle?" she asked, Ryan gave her a questioning look, but he shook his head.

He wasn't here, not this time.

…

Beckett arrived at Castles door, disappointed that he hadn't answered when she called moments earlier. She prayed he was home, that he would speak to her. He had every right not too, she knew that, but at the moment she needed Castle more than anything. Disregarding his feelings for so long was wrong. She had been so blind, her only focus was solving her Mom's case. Justice, but now everything was different. She needed him in her life, in every way, not just as a partner. He was more important.

She knocked on the door with a new sense of determination. She still had her doubts, what if he was with another woman? What if he didn't want her? Had she hurt him too much already? Did any of those things even matter?

She waited for a few moments before knocking again. And then again, when she still received no answer. Maybe he wasn't home? She put her ear up against the door, hearing nothing.

Maybe he went to a bar or something? With the level of emotion that they both had expressed yesterday, it would be understandable if he went somewhere to blow off steam.

She turned to walk away, but a flash of bright red caught her eye. On the floor in front of Castles door was a few spots of red. Beckett kneeled, analyzing them. Her stomach turned. She had no doubt in her mind that it was blood.

She reached for her gun, but remembered that she had just resigned and turned it in hours earlier. Instead she reached for her phone, making sure she had the precinct's number ready, just in case.

Beckett reached for the doorknob and turned it slowly. She cleared her mind of worry, she had to focus. The door opened silently, she tensed at the sight of overturned furniture and the broken decorations. Immediately, she mentally prepared herself for whatever she might find.

Hesitantly she walked in, slowly exploring the ravaged living room. Maybe Castle had flipped out over their argument and he made a mess? Although, that kind of behavior wasn't something she associated with Castle.

"Castle!" she shouted, waiting for a reply. "Castle!"

She could feel panic rising up in her throat. Could he have been attacked? Taken?

She started dialing, not caring who she was calling. Just knowing that she needed help.

"Hello, hello? Please I need help, my-"

" Beckett?" A familiar voice said in uncertainty.

"Ryan? Please I need your help, I think something happened to Castle," Beckett felt her throat close up as her mind was flooded with images of what could've happened to him.

"Wait, what happened?" Ryan responded, she heard his voice shake slightly on the other side of the line.

"I went to his apartment and I saw blood on the floor. I came in… his place is a mess. Ryan, I think the people who are after me got to Castle."

"I'm on my way, I'll call Espo"

Beckett hung up, fighting panic as she searched for any sign of Castle. She went into the kitchen, her stomach lurching at the sight of a large amount of blood on the floor. She looked away immediately, fighting the overwhelming nausea in her gut. Her gaze fell upon his phone on the counter, he had three missed calls. One from her, another from the precinct and the last one was listed as restricted.

She was careful not to touch anything, not wanting to lose any possible fingerprints on whoever was in here. She wandered over to his office, it looked normal. Though, there was one difference from the last time she saw it, a large Television screen dominated the space, which displayed that it was in the middle of deleting a file.

Putting on a glove, she immediately tapped cancel.

Oh God.

Castle had more secrets than she realized; he had been looking for the sniper all this time. She felt her eyes sting with unshed tears at the thought of him lying awake at night, desperately trying to find the sniper, just as she had. That he did this all for her.

She closed his Kate Beckett murder board, a rock settling in her heart at the thought of adding Richard Castle to the list of people who would die for her.

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**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, again. I'm a little hesitant to post this chapter, I'm thinking about changing the rating to M. Don't worry, no sexed up orgies being randomly thrown in here. ****Just the usual, violence, language. Boring stuff.**

**Well if you are squeamish about violence then I'm warning you now. VIOLENCE ALERT.**

**Also, I didn't mention this last chapter...I'm estimating this to be a short thing, maybe 5 or more chapters? Maybe an update every Monday? Still have to get back to you on that though.**

**Much thanks to everyone who read and reviewed last chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Castle. Although, if it were legal to own Canadians I'd definitely purchase Nathan Fillion.**

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Castle's opened his eyes, surprised he was even still alive. He attempted to move, but was surprised to find tight chains around his arms and legs stopping him. No cutting himself out of this one.

His vision was blurry, but he could see that whatever room he was in was very plain, gray walls, concrete flooring. It looked like someone's basement. There was a television in front of him, and a table that held a black case on top of it.

He felt a wave of nausea strike him just looking at it; it looked like a knife case. Something that promised pain. The only thing that came to mind with this room was a torture chamber.

"Well, are we finally awake?" A dark voice said from the corner. Castle turned towards it, trying to block out the dizziness accompanied with the movement. "How you feeling, Rick?"

The man looked familiar, but Castle couldn't seem to place him. He might have seen him in a file or something at the precinct.

"Spectacular." Castle answered sarcastically.

"Good, then we can start right away." The Man said enthusiastically, clapping his hands together. Castle swallowed hard. He was right about the torture chamber theory. Why else would he still be alive? "Now, rumor has it you know the man who has been blackmailing some very powerful people. That wouldn't be true would it?"

Castle worked to keep and even expression, "No. I don't know who that would be." It was technically the truth, wasn't it? Sure, he talked to the man, but he didn't know him.

The Man clucked his tongue, still keeping the casual tone, "Hmm, I think you're lying to me." His kidnapper strolled over to the black case and opened it. Unfortunately, Castle's prediction was right again, scalpels, knives, pliers and oh, is that a Taser?

Castle felt mind-numbing fear course through him at the prospect of what might happen to him. He had done research on torture for his books. He knew that they would know _exactly _how to extract the information. Where to stab, where to punch, what chemicals to inject into him… how to cause him as much pain as possible.

Castle took a deep breath, deciding that this might give him more opportunity to escape. They might have to remove his restraints. He could survive. He could get away. He still had hope.

With that thought in mind, he decided to play along with his kidnapper's game, "Though, I do know this guy, who had some real compromising stuff on this group of murders. Bunch of assholes, you know they tried to kill my partner!"

The Man evil grin grew wider, "Oh, your partner wouldn't happen to be that little bitch Kate Beckett, would it? Because last I heard, she was hanging off the side of a building. Pretty sure she's dead."

Castle's heart stopped, "You're lying." He said immediately, rage bubbling inside him. Beckett was fine. A bullet might stop Beckett, but falling from the edge of a building? No.

"Nope, actually I'm pretty sure her last words were for you. Rumor has it she just kept yelling 'Castle' over and over again." He laughed lightly, as if the thought delighted him.

Castle fought against the restraints, wishing he could just fight back. His previous nervousness quickly being chased away by anger, unable to keep the image his kidnapper was painting out of his mind. His heart hurt at the image of Kate's body falling from the top of a building.

His kidnapper's phone rang suddenly, breaking the tension and distracting Castle from the horrifying images in his mind.

The man brought his phone to his ear, whatever it was being told to him made his light expression grow serious. "What!" he yelled into his phone. "How is that little bitch still alive? How many times are we going to have to do this?" he yelled. Castle got the impression he was talking about Beckett again. The man was angry to discover she was alive…Kate was fine. He took a deep breath, some of the weight on his heart dissipating at the thought. "How many times are you going to fail, Cole?"

The man snapped his phone shut with a growl. He turned to Castle, his casual charade replaced with pure fury. Suddenly his hand flew out, grabbing Castle's face roughly, "Where. Is. He." He snarled, his grip on Castle tight.

"Is Detective Beckett okay?" Castle asked lightly, teasing him. The longer he could drag this out the better chance he would survive.

The man smiled, gripping Castles face tighter, "It seems your bitch got away again. But don't worry… Next time, I'll make you watch her die." Castle shuddered involuntarily at the tone of promise in the man's voice. "Now, where can I find the man I'm looking for Mr. Castle?"

"I don't kno-"Castle was cut off by a punch to his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He hunched over in pain, as much as the restraints would allow him. He felt like he was going to puke as his body convulsed from the blow.

"Yes, you do." The man stated firmly. "No pain is necessary, just tell me. Where is he?"

Castle's thoughts clouded in pain, he found himself answering truthfully. "I don't know, but..I… I met him once. In a parking garage." He coughed out, his voice a small croak.

His kidnapper growled, "What parking garage?" Castle stayed silent this time, remembering his plan; ignoring the claws of pain demanding that he answer.

His kidnapper went for the scalpel and quickly cut into Castle's blue-button down shirt, ripping the whole front open. For the first time Castle realized that his clothing was already crusted with blood.

"I'm not playing games." He said seriously, before taking the blade to Castle's skin and dragging it slowly over his chest. Castle moaned in agony at the red hot sting of the scalpel piercing his skin, dragging agonizingly across the muscle.

"Oh, I almost forgot" The man said, taking out a small rod of wood. "Bite this; I can't have you gnawing off your tongue." Castle opened his mouth weakly and took it between his teeth without a fight. He didn't really want to bite his own tongue off either.

"You ready to tell me what I need to know?" Castle heard the question, but just let his head hang limply. He was already exhausted and his kidnapper was just getting started. "Fine."

Castle closed his eyes, bracing himself. He heard the opening of a bottle before he felt the metallic, cold sensation of the scalpel piercing his skin once again. This time the blade made a quick, long cut stretching from his right shoulder to his left hip. Castle bit hard on the wooden gag, trying to keep himself under control, despite the pain.

Suddenly on top of the metallic pain of the scalpel, he felt the high pitched sting of alcohol being thrown on his wounds. He howled in agony, his screams echoing back at him in the concrete chamber.

"Where is he? What's his name!"

"I don't know!" Castle whimpered, his head once again falling limply. He saw the man return to his black box and watched him pull out a Taser. For a moment, Castle's thoughts darted to Kate, how would she handle this? Castle took a raspy, deep breath and prepared himself.

The man didn't hesitate.

Castle threw his head back in agony as the electricity coursed through him. He shook and shuddered, the electricity ravaging him from the inside out. His entire body went limp as the current left him, but his body was still singing in misery as some of the charge remained.

"You are a fool! You're not saving anyone by not telling me!" Just then, his phone rang again. "What!" he answered, carrying his irritation with Castle into the phone call. "No, he's not fessing up, but he will….Oh, really?" The man smirked, his gaze falling once again to his victim, who was hanging limply in his chair.

"You got to be kidding me." The man laughed loudly, the sound made Castle's stomach roll. "Our boy will definitely fess up now." He hung up the phone with a face splitting smile.

"Well Richard Castle, you have a visitor." Castle painfully lifted his head as the man turned on the Television. It showed six screens, all monitoring some point of the building they were in. There were a few men dressed in all black and holding guns, scattered throughout the building. Castle desperately searched for something familiar, a sign, a face, anything to help him figure out where he was.

Castle felt dread ravage him as he spotted someone familiar, by herself. Kate Beckett entered the building, gun drawn, no backup. Castle counted at least six men that she would have to fight. He didn't like her odds.

There was no way she could win. Not this fight.

His kidnapper grinned widely. "Looks like I will get to live up to my promise."

Castle was now calculating. How thick were the walls? Would she be able to hear him if he shouted? Based on the room's concrete walls and solidity, most likely not. But he had to try. Castle guessed he was either on the lower levels or in the middle of the building, since his captors would most likely be in need of a quick escape. He estimated that the best time to yell would be if she came into camera's four or six, both of which looked to be in open locations that were slightly above ground level. The open windowed office rooms the cameras displayed seemed like his best bet.

"Now Castle, if you don't tell me the information, she dies. Got it?"

"Honestly, I don't know him. I know him as Smith, he calls me sometimes and that's it!" Castle was desperate now; it wasn't about just his survival anymore. It was about hers.

"Bullshit. If you don't give me an exact address, guess what's happening to your girlfriend?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black device. "This here is a detonator, for a bomb obviously. And guess what? Katie here is heading straight for it. You see, I was preparing for the whole Calvary to come in looking for you, but I'm not afraid to use it for just her." He seethed, the man's face inches from Castle's. Castle could feel the man's grotesque greasy brown hair along his neck. He wanted to push him away, bleach the feeling out of his skin.

Castle took a deep breath to calm himself, the panic building in him was making it difficult to plan. He needed a story, that was his specialty. That was his weapon. He took a deep, hoarse breath. He needed to be calm; he needed it to form his story. To save him, to save Beckett.

Now what did his story need most? He needed an address for Smith. He could use an "address" from one of their previous cases to use as Smith's location. He had a description of the man, that was easy. He needed some truth, he didn't know Smith's whole name. That would have to do. The best lies always held some truth didn't they?

"Well look where our little detective is?" Castle watched Beckett walk into an open windowed room on the third camera. This was it, he needed her to run. He prayed she would be able to hear.

"I'm ready to tell you what you want to know." Castle said, muffled by the wooden gag.

"Excellent." Castle's captor removed the wooden rod. Castle was a little surprised at how deep his teeth marks went into the wood.

"Smith is at 3465 in Yonkers. Reynolds Street, its right beside a row of storage units, I was there once. But I never saw his face." Castle said in a low tone. He hoped his tone gave off the impression of defeat.

"Why, thank you. You're doing better." He smiled, looking at the detonator in his hands. Castle hoped his captor would put down the detonator. That he wouldn't hurt her, but even he knew there was no chance in hell of that happening. "Now, any last words for your girlfriend?"

Castle expected that, he cleared his throat, preparing himself.

"BECKETT RUN!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. On the screen he saw Beckett's head swivel. Looking for where his voice came from? "RUN!"

Suddenly, everything went black as the handle of his kidnapper's gun came into contact with his temple. He managed to keep his eyes open long enough to see Beckett dive away from a wave of fire on the screen.

…

This time when Castle woke, he knew exactly where he was. Tied to a chair, listening as criminals decided his fate.

"Untie him." His torturer's voice rung out. The words surprised him. Castle felt the chains on him loosen, yet not completely fall away.

"Why?" asked a different voice. "Aren't we going to kill him?"

"Of course, we're planting the body. He'll be easier to transport alive." Castle felt his stomach drop…he needed to get away. Now, but how? The room was spinning too fast…

"Is the Detective dead?" Castle's ears came alive with a mix of dread and anxiousness for the answer.

He didn't like what he heard, though his mind rejected the statement. "I don't know how she would've survived."

"Cole this is your responsibility. Go. End her."

Cole Maddox was here now. Had to be him. That changed things up, no wonder Beckett found them so quickly, she was already on his trail.

"She's probably already dead…" he mumbled, his voice sullen.

"I wouldn't be so sure. You thought she was dead on that rooftop didn't you?"

"Shut up…Hold on, it's Jay. Hello?" Castle continued to play unconscious as the voice of Cole Maddox answered a phone.

"Shit," he said. "No time to fuck around here anymore, boys. SWAT team just pulled in. We're out. Now." Castle tensed, this was it. Do or die time.

"Should we take him?" The man closest to him asked. Castle peeked an eye open now, scanning the room. The room tilted and swiveled in his vision, but he could comprehend that there were four men in the room. Two holding him holding him up, his torturer and the man of the hour, Cole Maddox.

"Kill him." Was all Maddox said. Castle took that as his cue. He lunged, breaking free of the two men holding his body. Without their support he felt the true weakness in his limbs. His target—Cole's weapon— was just inches from him. So close, yet so far away. His body protested, failing him as he lunged for the gun. The damage his body had taken had made him weak.

Still, he reached for the weapon. Even as it tilted and grew farther away from him. It was his only hope. He had to live, if not for himself than for Alexis… And who would check to make sure Beckett didn't completely throw away her life? Who?

His thoughts mixed in with the image of the barrel of a gun. Aimed at him? Castle wanted to ask, but he was silenced with the loud, mind-numbing shot of the gun. It smoked ominously, before he felt his vision failing him again. Fading, his lids were far too heavy to stay up. Maybe if he let them close for just a second.

Where did everyone go?

Too much. Had someone fired again?

Ringing, Guns, Screams...Nothing.

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**Thanks for reading**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again, there's an extra long chapter today.**

**The next update will come sooner than Monday, since I'm taking a vacation in a land where there is no internet for a week. Not sure the exact day since I still need to write the chapter, but keep an eye out!**

**Also, my apologies for any errors. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle... I just like fanfiction.**

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"No way, I am not letting you on this case, Beckett. Do I need to remind you that you resigned just a few hours ago?" Gates expression was hard, unwavering. If Beckett couldn't get her to back down she would have to go rogue on this one. There was no chance in hell she was staying out of this.

"He's my partner, Sir. I can't just sit back and do nothing," Kate tried to keep the nerves out of her voice, to remain strong and in control, but every minute she wasted trying to convince Gates to let her investigate was a minute wasted on not looking for Castle.

Gates took a long look at her, taking in her disheveled appearance. She had clearly walked, or rather ran, here in the rain and it had only been a few hours ago when she had a team investigate the apartment of Richard Castle. He was most likely dead, based on the amount of blood found on the kitchen tile. Gates hoped she was wrong, for Beckett's sake. It wasn't hard to see the desperation in the Detective's eyes.

Gates sighed heavily, before finally relenting. "Fine, this one time, but if you do anything without my direct consent you're out. Got it?" Beckett felt her lips turn upward in a weak smile for the first time since this morning, when Castle gave her a cup of warm coffee.

Beckett turned, taking her gun with her as she walked out the door. She stopped when Gates voice rang out again, "Call Esposito, I think you're going to want his help on this one." Kate looked back at Gates; her previously hard expression seemed to hold more compassion. She nodded in thanks.

Beckett was a little hesitant as she approached her station, not used to it without all her little knick-knacks and clutter of files. She sat down, still feeling like she didn't belong in that space. Her gaze fell to the empty chair beside her desk, the one that was usually occupied by a teasing Castle.

His absence immediately sent her working. She picked up the phone and called Esposito in. Esposito answered his phone with a slurred, "Hell-...Hello?"

"Grab a cab, Espo. We have work to do." Was all she said, before she hung up and began looking over the files for anything that could lead to Castle's whereabouts.

…

Beckett exited the building quickly, slightly wary of it as she walked out the door. She had nearly died falling off the roof. Though, it was by her own fault she had been hanging off that ledge in the first place. If she had just listened to Castle…

Shaking her head, she quickly got in her car. Esposito had given her a lead and already cleared it with Gates. They had found some misleading files tied to Cole Maddox that lead to a warehouse near Palisades Medical Center. She hoped it panned out, for Castle's sake. The longer it took to find him meant the less likely the chances became of finding him alive.

He could already be dead…there had been so much blood on the floor of his apartment.

Beckett quickly shook the image of finding Castle's body from her mind, before it could sink in. Right now she needed to focus on getting to that warehouse.

She wasted no time, driving as fast as she could through the New York City traffic. Which unfortunately, wasn't fast at all. The constant stopping and starting of the car grated harshly on her nerves. It was only a matter of time before it all became too much and she finally snapped, but now wasn't the place or the time, she'd have to hold on till this was over.

Fifteen minutes later she was pulling up to the warehouse. It looked abandoned, just hanging near the edge of water. Random construction supplies were laid around the building. She noticed a few cars parked off near the water's edge. She scanned the building, looking into the windows for any sign of life.

Suddenly, shots were ringing out, bullets pelting her windshield, shattering it. The sound rang loudly in Kate's ears as she ducked, opening her car door and fleeing into cover. She ducked behind an unmarked car, pulling her gun from its holster. She fired off a few rounds in the general direction the shots had been coming from, but she was helpless. She didn't know where the shooters were, or where they were coming from.

Adrenaline pumping through her veins; Kate got out her radio, "I need backup at my location immediately!" She demanded, quickly rattling off her location before ducking again as a hail of bullets came raining down on her. Thankfully, the area was covered with supplies she could use for cover, pipes, metal beams, large stacks of wood. She withdrew, moving cautiously away from the vehicle that was under fire, and crawled behind a stack of metal pipes.

Thankfully, the gunfire didn't follow her. She quickly surveyed her surroundings, looking for the shooters.

"What are you two doing?" A familiar man's voice rang out in anger. Maddox.

She turned towards the voice, seeing her shooters and Maddox, shouting at them from behind. The two men who had been shooting were clearly inexperienced; they held their guns loosely, all for show and not actually for a shot. Maddox stood tall over them, commanding them.

"I've spotted Maddox." Kate whispered into her radio.

"What are you two doing? You can't just shoot blindly; you're not being paid to waste ammo!" He yelled, looking like he was about to rip their weapons from their hands.

She watched the men stutter out that they had been shooting at her, "There was a woman, you said to keep an eye out…"

He held up his hand, "Who?"

"I don't know Sir, she had a gun." Cole Maddox's face paled slightly. Beckett would have normally smiled at the idea of someone like Cole Maddox fearing her, but the point of her mission wasn't to get Maddox. Not this time.

Beckett searched for an easy entrance into the building. She could see only one—a basic door at her eleven o' clock. She gritted her teeth in frustration at the realization there was no way she could get in undetected, not with those men patrolling so close to her.

"Where?"

"We saw her over there, but she ran behind one of the storage units I think."

"You think? How did you even lose her?"

The men shrugged, "We just saw her get out of her car, that was it."

"Find her."

Beckett slowly moved out of cover, paying close attention to how the men were positioned. Right now, they were turned away. She could make it at least halfway before she had to start firing. She checked her gun, ready.

"What did she look like?"

Beckett moved silently out into the open, if they turned around she would be target practice.

"Didn't see much. Brownish hair? Black coat…Yeah, didn't see a whole lot, we just started shooting."

Beckett watched the men carefully as she walked, seeing how Cole Maddox pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation or how the two men shuffled from one foot to the other, anxious. She was halfway now, so close to the door. She hoped there were no men on the other side of that door, she'd be dead. Then again if she stayed outside she was probably dead. Unless she could take down all three men and then whatever back-up their gunfire brought. And that was if there were no snipers on the rooftops.

One of the men started to turn, she could see the moment when his peripheral vision caught sight of her movement. She raised her gun and quickly started firing. It was unlikely she would hit them from this far away, but it would be cover until she got to the door. She broke into a sprint as all three men ducked and started sending back bullets. She could see the anger on Maddox's face as his gaze met hers.

She emptied her entire clip and managed to reach the door unharmed. She fumbled with the door knob, a bullet grazing her cheek as she yanked the door open and threw herself inside. She covered her mouth to block the small yelp of pain that escaped her.

The sting of the graze was nothing. She blocked it out easily, reloaded and focused. She was in a dark stairwell, three men on her tail, and had a whole warehouse to search for Castle and backup was arriving in five minutes.

She quickly started up the staircase, stopping to listen for noise on each floor.

Nothing on floor two.

Nothing on three.

Her legs felt weak as she ascended the third staircase to floor four. The sound of a door slamming had her peeking over the railing. She saw Maddox and one of the other men storming up the stairs. Kate fired down the stairwell, causing them to drop to the ground.

Fleeing, she hurried out of the fourth floor door and into a long hallway. At first the image confused her; it looked somewhat like an office building, gray carpet, bland furniture, simple. Nothing like what the outside of the warehouse suggested was inside. But she didn't have time to waste, she started running. Her gun was ready; she had three minutes now before backup arrived. Just three minutes.

Where was Castle?

There were two doors in the hallway, one off to her right side and one at the end of the hallway. She hesitantly opened the door to her right, confused again by the room's appearance. It was simply row after row of empty desks. It looked like this warehouse was in the process of being turned into an office with the half-assed work to cover its grime and overall emptiness. The room was large, but even with the clutter of desks and office supplies it still held the same emptiness as the rest of the warehouse had.

"Beckett, run!"

Castle.

Kate swore she heard him. He was calling for her. There was no doubt in her mind she heard him. It was quiet, but it was his voice. Did she imagine that it sounded filled with panic? And to run? From what?

"Run!"

Above her. He was somewhere above her. Kate didn't question his voice this time, she ran out of the room. The sound of an unusually high pitched beep following her as she ran.

Before her mind could process what was happening she was falling, a loud boom followed by a blast of heat throwing her to the ground. She covered her face with her jacket as a wave of flames flowed over her, consuming her before disappearing just as quickly.

Beckett gasped at the intensity of the burn. Her body, her face. Everything felt like it was on fire. She rolled, trying to put out any flames that had attached themselves to her. Astonishingly, she found no sign that any part of her had burned off, though her clothes had darkened considerably from the heat.

Covering her mouth from the smoke, Beckett stood shakily, ignoring her body's loud protest of the movement and headed back to the stairwell. The second she got inside the stairwell she felt her body convulsing. She coughed violently, expelling the smoke from her lungs before greedily taking in the slightly less contaminated air. The air wasn't clean, but it soothed her burning lungs.

Castle was on so close, she didn't have time for this.

She continued to breathe deeply as she ascended to floor five. Her gun was ready. She was going to get Castle out of here alive if it killed her.

She didn't hesitate in kicking the fifth floor door open. Now this floor was something she expected. Concrete floor, hard walls. No light office wallpaper like the floor below. This part of the building clearly said, "Criminal hideout."

She hurried down the corridor, stopping at the first door she saw. Despite the ringing in her ears she swore she was hearing voices behind that door. She kicked it open, anger fueling her as she pointed her gun, seeing tunnel vision of Cole Maddox and fired. Unfortunately, her shot wasn't deadly.

He cried out as the bullet ripped through his shoulder, Kate ducked out of the room as Cole and three other men all started firing in her direction. She was preparing to run again when everything was blocked out by the sound a familiar voice crying out in pain.

Castle?

Beckett took in a shaky breath before bursting back through the door, ignoring the possibility of death as she fired her gun. Cole Maddox and his other men were already halfway out the door on the other side of the room. She would have chased them if it weren't for the man slumped over in a metal chair in the center of the room.

"Castle?" She heard herself say, before rushing to his side.

Maddox and his minions forgotten, she gently lifted Castle's head. It took her a moment to comprehend the hole in his chest, before it sunk in that he had been shot. She didn't understand it; it was too awful to really be happening. Isn't this the part where she wakes up and the nightmare is over?

Her chest tightened at the devastating comprehension that this was really happening. Castle has been shot. He's unconscious, his body littered with smaller wounds and worst of all a bullet hole dominating the lower portion of his chest. As the wheels of her mind finally started to turn, she applied pressure to the wound, trying to stop the large amount of blood oozing from it.

"Help! I need help!" He couldn't die. Castle could not die. She needed him; more than anything, she needed him. How many times had he saved her life? Both physically and emotionally, when all hope was lost he always had a silver lining. He was always _there._

He couldn't die. Not now. Especially, not now.

"Castle, don't leave me alright?" She croaked, her voice thick from the smoke and emotion. She ignored the fact that he looked dead and focused on what she thought was the small beat of his heart under her palm. "Stay with me okay?"

She leaned her forehead against his and let her lips travel down to his cheek. Hoping that somehow the action would give some of her strength to him. If he were conscious he would be speechless, she would see that light of excitement or shock in his eyes. She pressed her lips to his forehead, his hair, lightly to his lips. Wake up, dammit!

She could feel her willpower to keep him alive fall to desperation, where was the backup? The medic?

"Goddammit! Someone help me! Please!" She screamed as tears spilled down her face. She pulled Castle's lifeless body to hers and sobbed into the crook of his neck. Keeping one hand on his chest wound, she lifted his body. The fact he was completely limp made it harder for Kate to control her crying as she placed him gently on his back on the ground, his head in her lap. She hoped the position might be better for his bullet wound.

She still felt some hope in the small beat she felt under her palm. It was slow and weak, but it was still a heartbeat. With the hand not on the bullet wound, she caressed his face, cradling him to her. She couldn't tell if he was breathing or not, should she do CPR? Or would giving him breaths, especially from her smoke filled lungs, be a bad idea?

She didn't have time to decide as a team of police officers rapidly swarmed in around her, two of them including Ryan and Esposito. Their eyes locked with Kate's as they took in the near-death state of their friend.

Kate felt overwhelming panic at the feel of Castle's pulse fading beneath her palm.

"Help me, please!"

…

Kate's moods flipped on and off like a light switch between hysterical and numb for rest of her time at the warehouse. When the medic finally got there, Kate, Ryan, and Espo all had to help him get his body out of the building and into an ambulance as fast as possible. The stairwell was too narrow for a whole team of paramedics and a gurney, so they all had to carefully rush him down the staircase. She was glad, they didn't have time for the gurney anyway; the faster he got to a hospital the better his chances were.

She had almost gotten in the ambulance with him, but they told her no. She didn't have the time to convince them otherwise; Castle needed a hospital so she let them go. The medic on the scene insisted she wait for another ambulance, since she was clearly in need of medical assistance. She had bad burns on her face and along her arms, not to mention the potential damage to her lungs, but in the grand scheme of things, she knew she would heal whether she saw a doctor or not. No, the real damage would be determined by how Castle was.

She disobeyed orders to get to the hospital. She didn't really know whose orders she was disobeying, she didn't care. She had to be there. It didn't matter if Gates flipped on her again, she was done anyway. Even if Gates asked her back on the team after this case, she just might say no.

A thousand thoughts ran through her mind as a heaviness settled over her heart. Castle's condition was worse than just a bullet wound, she had seen the room. He was clearly tortured on some level, she wasn't sure how serious the torture had been, but based on his wounds she'd say it was bad. If he lived, he would probably have severe psychological problems. Problems not unlike her own.

Her guilt was leading the charge in most of her thoughts, this was all her fault. If she hadn't kept pushing, if she had listened to him, if she wasn't so adamant about the way she handled this case she would've seen how much danger he was putting himself in for her. He was not a cop; she was supposed to protect him. Not the other way around.

The walk into the hospital felt more like a walk of shame. She expected everyone to stare at her, to accuse her of killing Castle. But now, the stares she got were concerned ones, she didn't understand it until a nurse came up to her asking her if she was alright.

"Do you need any help dear? Those burns look painful." She had asked, her voice filled with worry.

Beckett had simply shook her head, "No, do you know where I can find Richard Castle?" She pulled out her police badge weakly and showed it to the nurse.

The nurse glanced at her clipboard, "Oh… he is in surgery. I can show you where you can wait for him."

Beckett followed the nurse numbly. The world felt like it was spinning as she sat down on a bench outside the operating room. She coughed, the action bring the taste of smoke back into her throat. The taste was unpleasant, but was overshadowed by the throbbing of her heart. She rubbed her chest, as if the action might soothe the ache of emotion in her chest.

She buried her face in her hands, fighting to rid of the images of Castle's broken body in her mind. She was surprised when her hands started to get wet, she hadn't realized she was still crying.

The pictures her mind continued to whip her with made her feel like she was being ripped apart piece by piece. Her mind buzzed with the stress and sheer emotion the image of Castle's broken body brought on. She tried to block it out, hell she tried to think of this morning when he was teasing and smiling with a cup of coffee in his hands. It didn't work, the happy image being quickly overtaken by flashes of so much blood and the smell of death.

Blood… The smell was too real. With a sickening thought, she realized she still had his blood all over her. On her clothes, on her hands, on her face, in her hair. Too much blood. She sat frozen, unable to choose between shutting down or flipping out. She was going crazy to the point where she was fighting with her own subconscious. Don't snap, don't freak out. Not now, just wait till later.

A warm hand on her shoulder brought her out of her self-destructive thoughts.

Esposito stood over her, offering her a white towel. She took it hesitantly, wiping some of the blood from her arms and from her face. The action didn't make her feel cleaner, or make the appalling smell go away. His blood was still on her hands, both literally and figuratively.

Suddenly Lanie was at her side, "Here, let me help." She said softly. The words confused Beckett, sounded jumbled in her mind, but she let Lanie help her wipe some of the blood from her face, and helped get most of it off her arms and hands.

"Thanks" Beckett murmured before bursting into a fit of coughing. Talking and breathing didn't go together well, she felt like she could still feel a small cloud of smoke lingering in her lungs.

"You should see a doctor." Lanie chided, though her words held no real vigor.

"I will, after Castle is out of surgery." She didn't know if it was a lie or not. Would she see a doctor? She wasn't sure.

"He will probably be unconscious for a few days. You should get some rest." Esposito suggested.

Kate didn't look at him, or at anyone for that matter, "Not until he's out of surgery, alive." She flinched using the word _alive_. She had to emphasize that now, because there's a chance he won't be. The thought brought another round of tears to her eyes, she laid her head back into her hands in hopes to hide them.

"Detective Beckett!" a familiar voice suddenly shouted. Oh god, no. She couldn't bear to see her now. Not now.

Beckett kept her head down; she couldn't possibly look her in the eye, not when she promised she'd keep her father safe.

"What happened! Is he going to live?" Alexis half shouted with a shaky voice. Hesitantly, Kate brought her eyes to meet the young woman's. Her blue eyes instantly made her think of the man behind the operating room door. Would they ever open again?

"This is your fault." Kate flinched, she deserved the accusation. She promised her to keep him safe, she knew that Alexis didn't exactly approve of her father spending so much time with her.

"This is your fault! I swear to god, if he dies." The anger in Alexis's voice disappeared in an instant and flipped to utter desolation. Kate could understand the feeling. "He has to be okay." She sobbed, her body practically collapsing in defeat on the bench beside her.

Despite the angered words directed at her, Kate wrapped an arm around Alexis and pulled her in for a tight embrace. To her surprise she accepted and hugged back just as fiercely. Kate hoped it offered her some comfort, if that was possible. The teen sobbed into her shoulder, unable to keep her emotions under control. Kate shushed her soothingly, unable to tell her that her father would be okay, but capable of offering physical comfort.

"I'm sorry," Kate whispered, trying to keep the temptation to cough at bay. "I'm so sorry."

She held the girl for a few more moments, before realizing that Martha and everyone else was there as well. They were all looking away, except for Martha. She had clearly been crying, but held a compassionate appearance rather than one of accusation.

"This isn't your fault, Detective." She whispered with tears in her eyes before turning away. Beckett stared at her blankly, though mentally she was disagreeing.

Everyone was there, waiting for news. It reminded her of how everyone important in her life waited outside this same room for her when she had been shot. All the same people, except instead of her in that room it was Castle and she was out here. Waiting.

She didn't see how it was possible, but sitting out here…Being the one waiting seemed worse. The feelings of guilt and grief were just too much. She'd trade places with him in a second if it meant he was okay.

The hours in the waiting room dragged. Kate held on tightly to Castle's daughter, actually felt some comfort in the act after a while. She returned the embrace, but Kate saw how tired the teen was becoming and eventually, Alexis fell asleep on her shoulder.

When the doors burst open and Castle's doctor stepped out, everyone was on their feet, except Beckett. If she stood, she would surely collapse. She sat still, her entire life hung in the balance on the doctor's next few words.

The doctor's face was pale and desolate, she hoped his words were different. "Hello, I'm Doctor Wallace. Mr. Castle is out of surgery. It was a close one, but he's alive."

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**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello again. Sorry about the extremely late update. I'm a horrible person, and went to no-internet-land for a vacation.**

**Next update will be up as soon as it's written. Probably two or more chapters left. **

**Also, sorry for any medical stuff in this chapter that I messed up. I don't know much other than they have awful food and shit TV. Seriously, one time I had to stay in the hospital for a whole week, Sesame Street or news 24/7 is not appealing.**

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own or profit off of Castle in any way. This is just fanfiction.**

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Beckett watched Castle's chest rise and fall. He was alive, breathing. The relief she felt at that fact was all consuming, it was the best news she had ever heard. He was alive. Castle was alive.

But it had been close, he'd lost a lot of blood. The bullet had caused some damage to his lungs; he needed help to breathe properly for now. He had tubes all around him, feeding oxygen to his lungs. At first, the sight had terrified Beckett. The fact he needed so many machines just to keep breathing was more than unsettling.

Even worse, the bullet was only half of his problems; Castle had been stabbed deep into his left side. The knife had cut dangerously close to several internal organs. A few degrees difference and Castle would've been dead back in his kitchen, he wouldn't have even made it to the killer's torture chambers.

And to add on to all of that, he had multiple gashes, bruises, and cuts into his skin from whatever torture those men did to him. The more she stared at the cuts and slices on his skin, the more Beckett had started imagining taking the knife to their skin and torturing information out of them. Vengeance was an easy outlet for her anger. The fantasies disturbed her, but she didn't bother fighting them off anymore. It was just too exhausting.

Three days Castle had been sedated so he could recover. Three days Beckett had either been in the waiting room or sleeping in the chair beside his bed, always close by. She didn't think it was unreasonable to be so affected by his condition. He was her partner… more than just her partner. Either way, he was important to her, in a way she couldn't put to words. Whatever happened to him, affected her in some way. His current condition was bad, worse than she's ever seen him. The only comfort she had was the rhythmic beeping of his heart monitor; it helped lull her to sleep at night.

Although there wasn't much progress in his condition, today the doctors planned on removing the ventilator tubing and replacing it with a much less intimidating oxygen mask, but he'll still be asleep for another day or so. At least, that's what the doctors said.

Kate often pictured how Castle would be when he woke up. He would definitely not be happy, he's going to be in pain and probably loopy from the drugs in his system. He's going to be stuck in here for at least a few more days to be monitored around the clock. Plus, she heard the doctors talking about hooking him up with a small oxygen tank for when he goes home.

What about when he sees her? Hopefully, he won't be too pissed at her.

_What if he says he needs some "space."_ Her subconscious sneered. She shook her head, her guilt coming back in full force. He wouldn't do that to her. He wouldn't…

Kate's eye caught Martha, abruptly appearing from the entryway. "Good morning, Miss Beckett." She said. Martha and Alexis came every day, same time every morning. They would stay the whole day, then Alexis would fight to stay the whole night and Martha would insist that they go home. The day would wrap with Kate promising Alexis to watch over her father. The predictability of the day after only three nights with him didn't go unacknowledged in her mind. She was just waiting for a break in the routine.

"Good morning, Martha. How are you?"

"Good, as best as I can be. Anything new?" She asked, setting her bags down in the chair on the opposite side of Castle's bed. Kate thought fleetingly that the woman was trying to put some distance between them, but she immediately wiped the paranoid thought away. Martha had made it clear—on multiple occasions— that she didn't blame Kate for her son's current condition.

Still, Kate couldn't stop the constant guilt from forcing itself into her mind.

"No… the doctors are replacing the tube with an oxygen mask, but otherwise he's the same." Same. Hanging onto life by a thread. Kate pictured herself holding a pair of scissors.

_Stop the pity party already._

_You didn't kill him._

She let her head fall into her hands, willing the guilt to both leave her body while simultaneously latching onto the dormant parts of her mind. To save it for later instead of immersing herself in it now. But blaming herself was the only thing she could focus on. She didn't like admitting she was wrong, but this time there was no one else to point the finger at. This was all on her.

She could be angry at Castle for putting himself in danger, for never listening to her, but he was in a hospital bed unconscious. A lot of good being angry at him would do her.

Gates…Gates had been out of the loop for most of this one.

Espo, Ryan, they were trying to help. They always had her back. They deserved a thank you, not an accusation.

This was her case that Castle got hurt trying to solve. It's always been her mother's case—or maybe it's just her case now— that ends with death.

"Where's Alexis?" She wondered suddenly, finally noticing that she wasn't with Martha.

"She'll be in soon." Was her reply, Martha's expression told her not to push. The woman seemed sad; understandably considering her son was seriously hurt, but more so today than the previous days. Kate wondered how she was handling, how Alexis was handling. Based on her saddened expression, she knew it couldn't be good at the Castle residence right now.

They sat in silence for a while, occasionally Beckett would find her hand reaching to Castle's from her perch in the chair beside his bed. It was oddly comforting to be able to hold his hand, feel the warmth of it. Warmth was good, it was another reminder that he was alive. Martha occasionally would sometimes stand and brush a lock of hair form her son's face, or place a light kiss on his forehead. It was both a heartwarming and sad sight, to see the concern she had for her son, knowing he wouldn't be in this predicament if it wasn't for her.

They were sitting in thoughtful silence when the doctor came in, "Well we're going to take some of the tubes out now. He'll still need a ventilator to breathe properly. The damage to his lungs was very severe; we want to monitor him to the point where he can breathe on his own. There's also a small possibility his lungs could fill with fluid, we want to make sure that doesn't happen or else we'll have a much bigger problem on our hands." The women nodded, understanding that Castle will need to stay at the hospital longer.

"When do you think he'll wake up, Doctor?" Martha asked, hope in her voice. Kate was already preparing herself for the worst possible answer of _Never_. Though, logically, she knew that wouldn't be his response.

"Very soon. Sometime within the next day or two. If all is well, he could wake up today even." The doctor smiled warmly, before leaving the room. Kate looked to Castle with a new eagerness.

He would wake up soon. Kate wasn't sure if she was ready to face him.

…

Castle didn't wake up that day, but he did get a more comfortable oxygen mask. The tubing around his mouth and throat had looked uncomfortable.

Beckett stayed the night again, though she was surprised Alexis never came. She hoped the girl was alright and getting some rest. Despite the comfort of having Castle so close, she was starting to wear down from lack of sleep. A few hours every night had been enough the past few days, but now she was starting to feel the weariness more. In her bones and in her whole body. The combination of both physical and emotional exhaustion was simply overwhelming and Beckett hoped she'd have some time to just let it take her soon. She could only fight the waves for so long before they pulled her under by force.

The next day—Wednesday—Beckett thought she might finally have the opportunity when Castle's hand started to grip hers.

"Doctor!" She called quickly, as Castle's grip tightened and his eyes fluttered. Alexis and Martha were there too, and they sprang out of their seats and rushed to his side. He was waking up, finally.

"Let me see," The doctor said, appearing in the doorway. They all backed away slightly, but still hovered close by. Kate could see his eyelids fluttering; she held his hand tighter hoping he'd look at her. She needed to see his eyes, see life in them.

The doctor straightened up, "He's going to be really groggy and tired, let him rest if he wants too. He's going to be confused so don't try to overwhelm him." The doctor said firmly, watching with the three women as Castle's eyelids finally stayed open.

Castle looked around the room rapidly, as if he'd never seen a hospital room. His eyes darted to Kate in panic and Beckett gave his hand a gentle squeeze, hoping it comforted him. His eyes settled on her for a moment, she could see the confusion and grogginess there, the attempt to comprehend where he was and what was going on.

"Where…" He croaked, his voice low and dry, muffled further by the oxygen mask.

"You're in the hospital. You got yourself into quite a mess, Castle." She said, running a soothing hand through his hair. For a brief moment, understanding filled Castle's eyes, but it quickly retreated as his focus went to his daughter, then his mother. His disorientation was to be expected, but seeing Castle so frazzled made Kate want to ask the doctor for help. Kate ignored the impulse, knowing it was just her paranoid mind that wanted the make sure_ everything_ was alright.

Castle acknowledged his daughter and mother, after some gentle nudging on their part. His voice was so small when he whispered a gentle "Hey." Alexis let out a small whimper and hugged him fiercely. Kate took a step back as Martha joined her granddaughter, they could use a little family space. Kate couldn't help but feel a little bit apart of the Castle family, especially after staying four days in the hospital with the man and trying to offer comfort to his family.

Castle hugged his family gently and acknowledged Kate with a tired nod, but for the most part, everyone could tell Castle was still pretty out of it. Still though, he managed to give her hand a small squeeze as he lay back in his bed.

Kate stayed quiet, letting him take it all in. Martha and Alexis occupied his attention for the most part, not that he could focus real well. She could tell he was distracted, but he made an effort in order to soothe his worried family. His family wasn't unperceptive though, they could see his distraction too and eventually settled to give him a moment.

Slowly, his confusion and grogginess morphed into understanding as he took in his surroundings. Kate could see his memory gradually coming back to him, but with it, the trauma of everything happened. Flashes of fear, panic, pain, and some unidentifiable emotion fading in and out of his eyes as he remembered. His eyes told the story, but she could feel it in the way his grasp on her hand tightened, then loosened, before tightening again at each thought that ran through his head. She wasn't a mind reader, but right now, Castle was an open book, an open book that she had practically written herself from her past traumas. She didn't know the content of his pages, but she knew the feelings each chapter could hold.

In her mind, it was a good analogy to channel her perception of him, especially since he is a writer. It was easier than succumbing to the paranoid curiosity that tempted her to ask questions she knew she shouldn't ask...at least not yet. He'd have to talk about it eventually, but he had just woken up. He needed rest, he needed to heal. Everything else could come later.

And, maybe she wasn't the one he should be confiding too. Especially since the thirst for revenge or justice or whatever it was, raging inside her didn't need any more fuel. It was already out of control as it was. It was the real reason they were even in this situation.

Beckett sighed heavily, really, when would the case of all cases finally just...end. Four years and many leads later they were still at yet, another dead end.

Beckett's irritated expression drew Castle's attention. He wondered why she was here, holding his hand, comforting him. Out of pity? Or did she actually care? Did she just have nothing better to do? They had to have caught Maddox; he was a sitting duck in that warehouse. Maybe that was why she was irritated; the case had hit another pitfall.

Looking at her, he felt a sense of deja vu. Except, their roles were reversed, last time she had been in the hospital bed and he was sitting in the nearby chair, attempting to offer comfort when all she wanted to be left alone.

Did he want to be left alone by her? Not really...no. He liked that she was here, but he didn't like the fact she seemed unhappy about it. He wanted her here as long as she wanted to be here and at this point, he really didn't care as long as he knew she was okay.

He felt…foggy, but he remembered what happened. He was shot, tortured, and he watched Kate Beckett be engulfed in flames. The memories were vague and fuzzy, but he knew they were right. He just didn't know what happened in-between staring down the barrel of a gun and here.

Suddenly curious, "Did you have any injuries?" He asked, his voice felt foreign to him, too low, too frail. The image of her being engulfed in flames made him shiver involuntarily.

She smiled warmly, and the some of the tension he felt at her intimidating presence dissipated. "A few cuts and bruises, and some smoke inhalation, but I'm fine, Castle." Unthinkingly, Kate brushed a strand of hair out of Castle's eyes. His eyes widened at the tender gesture, maybe she did care more than she let on.

Kate was a little stunned herself at how easy, natural that had been. How she didn't even hesitate to move the strand of hair from his face. Normally, any physical contact between her and Castle was hesitant or ended in them both shying away.

Maybe it was her exhaustion, lessening whatever filter that was between them. Maybe it was her newfound determination to be with him that made it so easy to initiate such an intimate gesture. Either way, she liked it. She liked not having to overthink every little touch. If she wanted to comfort Castle, she should be able to do it without overanalyzing.

Castle attempted a smile at her before turning back to Alexis and Martha.

…

Later that day, Kate finally felt comfortable enough to go home. She hugged the Castles goodbye, saying she would see them tomorrow morning. She tried not to worry, when she left Castle was smiling and acting almost like his normal goofy self so she had no reason to worry, but the adrenaline from the days prior still wouldn't entirely leave her. Hoping to rid of the phantom nerves, she took a warm shower, hoping the soothing water would loosen her up.

She had no reason to stress; she had resigned—sort of— so no job to do. Castle was in good hands, and the killers wouldn't mess with her, at least not now. She wasn't on the case; they had no reason to come after her now. She could relax.

Exhausted, she headed straight to bed after her shower with a phone and book in hand. She called Lanie and updated her on Castle's condition. She said she'd come visit him tomorrow. Their conversation was brief, Lanie knew her well enough to know that now was not the time to talk about all the heavy stuff. It could wait, and Beckett was completely worn out.

She took a deep cleansing breath after she hung up, the smell of home replacing the burning hospital smell. In some respects, the days at the hospital felt more like years. The constant waiting and worrying slowed time to a standstill. Now that she was home, it was like time was rushing, the clock informing her it was already almost midnight. Tired, she laid down, falling asleep the second her head hit the pillow.

…

Kate went in to the hospital the next morning feeling stronger, more confident. Though waking up in the morning with her odd tasting coffee and lack of a job unsettled her. She hoped the 12th would take her back, not today, but in the distant future maybe. Her first order of business was Castle, and trying to fix...or maybe even start whatever it was that they had. Again, now was not the time. He was still recovering, but she knew she'd have to start sometime.

She felt lighter stepping into his room and sitting in her normal chair. Martha and Alexis greeted her as she walked in; informing her that Castle was asleep. Good, he needed rest. He might not get much later when he was on different meds and back at home. Beckett learned that the hard way when she simply didn't want to sleep at the hospital, then had the inability to sleep at home.

Castle was going to be in for a rough couple of months, she just hoped he'd let her help him through it.

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**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry Sorry Sorry, this has taken so long to update. I have a serious writers block right now. I hate it. **

**This chapter was originally longer, but I wanted to update sooner so I split it up.**

**Disclaimer: Don't have any rights or profit from Castle. **

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Kate helped Castle out of the hospital. He leaned heavily on her; he was so exhausted she was surprised he hadn't fallen asleep standing up. Must be the pain medication. She remembered how it made her feel so physically exhausted, how frustrating it was to be so tired but incapable of falling asleep.

She held Castle up by his arm and a soothing hand on his shoulder. He looked at her, his blue eyes were glazed over with an emptiness she found frightening.

"Are we going home now?" he asked quietly. The sound of his voice was followed by a weak fit of coughs. He really must be out of it, she had mentioned to him on multiple occasions that he would be going home today.

"Yes." She answered, though they might have to rush back into the hospital if his lungs decided to fail him again. Castle insisted on walking without the oxygen and so Alexis took it with her when she went to get the car. He clearly needed it. Sure, he could breathe on his own, but it was still a struggle for him.

"We need to get you your oxygen." She told him sternly. He shook his head, the action causing him to cough even more.

"No, I'm fine."

"You're not fine."

Anger flared through Castle, but he was too tired to hold onto his resolve. He looked to Beckett pleadingly, knowing that she of all people would understand why he didn't want the oxygen tank.

"Please, just wait until we get home. I don't want to scare Alexis more than I already have. Seeing it upsets her." He murmured quietly. Kate was taken aback by the brief moment of clarity in his eyes. He didn't want to scare his daughter, which was fair. Heck, the thing kind of creeped her out too, it reminded her of his injuries, how he was still so close to death. But he needed it, he couldn't breathe properly. No, she couldn't give into him when it threatened his health.

"You need it, Castle. Do you hear yourself coughing? It's not exactly the sound of a good bill of health." The clarity in Castle's eyes faded just as Alexis was pulling up with the car. Kate sighed, hating herself for denying his one request. But she couldn't do it; she'd already caused him enough damage.

She got in the back of the car first, so she could help Castle get himself in from the inside. She guided him into the car, he clearly needed the help. She could tell he was struggling to stay upright. He was swaying minutely, like he was on a light buzz. Although he had the depth perception of a drunk, he kept reaching for out for things that were already close to him. He reached for her hand and missed. Kate would've laughed in any other situation, but instead she reached for him and helped him into the car.

After he was situated, Kate turned to Alexis in the driver's seat, "Have his oxygen?"

"Right here." She said, lifting a grey bag from the front seat and handing it to Kate.

Castle made a face, but didn't fight her as she started hooking him up. It took a moment to find all right places for the tubing to go, but she got the whole thing hooked up before they even hit the second stoplight.

By the time she was done Castle seemed in his own world as she handed him the breathing mask, his eyes didn't focus on her when he took it and placed the mask over his nose and mouth. As much as she wanted to give in and tell him he didn't have to wear it, she could clearly see his breathing come to an easier rhythm.

Kate sighed heavily. She was tired; this whole ordeal just seemed to keep going.

This week had been...trying. The first two days Castle seemed entirely himself, making jokes, his flirty remarks, his ever present playfulness. He was Richard Castle, her stupid, amusing, extraordinary partner. She was relieved and hopeful that he'd be back to normal in no time. But somewhere along the line, everything that happened to him sunk in. She suspected it was on day three of four of wakefulness. He was quieter on those days; he didn't ask when he could go home. He didn't try to make conversation; he just stared off into space. Silence always seems to be a bad thing when it comes to Castle. Kate had tried to snap him out of it multiple times, but he seemed to always fall right back into it.

Days five and six weren't so bad, he had made an effort. Though on Day Five, he was pretty high on medication. He had jokingly called Kate "Nikki" half the day and alternated between giggling at his daughter and complimenting Kate. It had been embarrassing, but highly amusing.

But today, day nine, he was going home. And Castle was still not himself.

Quiet and reserved were two adjectives that didn't go with Castle. He was silent the whole day, though he truly seemed happy to be going home, even though he was still under strict medical supervision.

There was something off about his eyes, they just looked... haunted. Even driving home now, they still held the same empty, gloomy aura.

The ride back to Castle's loft was unsettling. The gap between Beckett and Castle was filled with tension, and not the kind she was used to between them. Castle seemed unaffected by it, or maybe he didn't even feel it. Maybe he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice. Either way, it caused Beckett to fidget uncomfortably in her seat.

Mentally, Kate added this to the list of Castle's atypical behaviors.

Unobservant. Cold.

She couldn't help but stare at Castle, her heart clenching at the sight of him. He looked so troubled, staring out the window. It seemed fitting that it was currently raining; it fit the melancholy picture perfectly.

She just wished he would say something, make a joke, crack a smile. Some sign that he was still in there. That he hadn't completely retreated into himself. The man she knew would have broken the tension immediately. His silence was far too loud; she couldn't just sit there and ignore it.

Her gaze locked with Alexis's in the rearview mirror; her eyes were filled with concern and unspoken questions. So, it wasn't just her who could feel the tension. That was somewhat comforting.

Her gaze flicked back to Castle, she remembered how she ran up to his door, both excited and nervous to reveal to him that she didn't care that the killer got away. That, at the moment, all she cared about was him. She still felt that ache within her to just let the walls down and tell him everything. Even though he probably wasn't healthy enough to deal with it right now, she still wanted to be with him.

He may not be able to handle all her baggage right now, but there was nothing wrong with being close to him.

She wanted to be with him, she wasn't going to hide it anymore. Before she could change her mind, she closed the gap between them. Sitting so close that she could feel the heat coming off of him. Still, he didn't seem to notice.

She went to hold his hand, but as her skin met his, he shivered and flinched away from her. She pulled back, startled by his reaction. He looked terrified; his breathing was coming in short gasps like he was scared of what she would do to him. She knew that look, experienced it. It was the look that said pain and suffering, that look screamed fear.

That feeling was all too familiar. He needed comfort, he needed to calm down. He needed out of his own mind.

She swallowed the irrational hurt stuck in her throat. He was clearly deep in thought, he wasn't afraid of her, just what was in his head. "It's just me, Castle." Slowly, she took his hand in hers and his breathing slowed almost instantly.

"Sorry," he mumbled, the word muffled by the oxygen mask, before turning back to the window. Kate squeezed his hand and leaned her head on his shoulder. He didn't relax like she hoped, but he didn't pull away either. She was grateful for that, especially since she was the one who always pulled away.

For the rest of the drive home, Beckett watched Castle carefully. She cuddled up to him, despite his stiff, unfriendly posture. His breathing was still irregular, but it was getting better. His eyes still remained glazed over in thought. Kate wondered what was going on in there, how exactly he was working things out. She still didn't know what happened to him while he was taken, she hadn't been allowed to know that.

It was almost offensive how she didn't get to see the file on this case. Sure, she wasn't a detective anymore, but she was a bigger part of it than anyone.

They pulled up outside his building, Kate eyed it fearfully. Last time she was here she walked in on a crime scene.

At least it wasn't Alexis who had walked in.

"We're home." Alexis announced her voice a mixture of relief and worry. Castle didn't move, it looked like he didn't even know the car had stopped.

Kate put a gentle hand to his face in comfort; he recoiled, but not as violently as before. He looked lost, confusion at both her action and his absurd reaction.

Kate would not hurt him, Castle knew that. But whenever he let his thoughts drift, it was like he was back in that room, a knife piercing his skin. Not only that, but he was remembering everything. What happened in his loft. He remembered putting up a good fight with his captor, but the feel of cool metal pushing through his skin was overwhelming. He was remembering how it felt to have a bullet rip through him. Just...everything. It was too much.

During his time at the hospital, he pushed the memories back. He had the chance too, being in the hospital was about getting better and going home. Now that he was on his way home he wasn't so sure he was well enough. At the hospital he felt stronger, safer. Going back home seemed easy while he was there, but now that he was actually home, not so much. He was conflicted, he was exposed. They could attack him, Kate, Alexis, so easily. They just had to break through the front door.

"Castle," Kate's voice coaxed him out of the car. Her gentleness towards him was puzzling. Before this all happened they had fought. Was she not angry about that anymore? She was very...affectionate at the hospital. At first, he thought it was just because he was in the hospital. But this, her constant presence, taking care of him. Did she change her mind?

He hoped so.

Kate watched him work out the confusion in his head. She didn't understand it, there was nothing to be confused about, but he seemed keen on some unknown problem. She hoped he would solve it soon so some of the tension between them would evaporate. He shouldn't be over analyzing things right now, he needed to relax, heal.

Alexis and Beckett helped Castle up to his loft. They walked in soaked from the rain. Castle seemed exhausted and entirely to out of breath for how little walking they did. It's not like they took the stairs or anything, all they did was walk into and out of the elevator really.

Kate hated that feeling, hated that he had to experience it; the feeling of being so worn out after such a short distance was frustrating. She wanted to tell him that it's okay, but decided against it, his blank stare was actually rather intimidating.

"Home sweet home." Castle growled in a stale tone.

"Shut up." Alexis said, patting her father's head. He grumbled, but still gave her a smile. He always had a smile if it meant making his daughter happy.

"Let's get you to bed." Kate mumbled, Castle's arm swung over Kate's shoulders lazily. He leaned most of his weight on her, his legs were still too weak.

Kate was surprised to see the corners of his lips twitch up, "Yeah, Kate. Take me to bed." he mumbled, attempting to sound suggestive. He was smirking, Kate was relieved he at least attempted to joke, but it seemed to fall flat. He knew it too; his hint of a smile fell instantly.

Kate managed an incredibly fake smile hoping to cheer him up and hauled him into his bedroom. Under different circumstances, she would be...glad to be in this room. She had never been in here before, among other things, but right now she was worried. Castle would be in here, all alone, by himself. No machines guaranteeing his survival.

Maybe she could sit outside his room, listen to make sure he's okay.

Beckett gently lowered Castle onto his bed, checking and double checking to make sure he was fine. He gave her an amused look as she hovered over him, watching her worry herself over ever little thing. Watching her look after him, like he would break into a hundred pieces any minute.

He smiled at her concern, "Thanks Beckett, but don't worry over me. I'm good."

She knew she shouldn't be so crowding, but images of finding him unresponsive were constantly filling her mind.

Walking into the room, finding him without a pulse on the floor beside his bed.

Dead, his oxygen not hooked up correctly. Just his corpse, absent of life.

Checking up on him only to watch him fight for life as his heart gives up. Seeing the darkness in his eyes when his heart refuses to beat under her hands.

She needed to leave.

But she couldn't…she definitely wasn't going home tonight.

Castle read the panic on her face. Her anxiety was coming off in waves, hitting him like tides of water against a rock in the ocean.

"Kate-"

"I'll be right back." She interrupted before running back into the kitchen. She needed a moment to try and sort out her thoughts and to check with Alexis. She didn't want to intrude on her space, but she just couldn't leave him. Not when every time the phone rang at home she pictured it was the hospital telling her Castle was dead.

Here she knew. Here she would be right there if something happened.

She seriously needed to talk to her therapist about her paranoia, it was getting annoying.

"Detective…" Alexis called shyly from behind her. Kate turned slowly, careful of Castle's daughter. Her words from the week prior sounded in her head. Kate's fault, her fault that Alexis's father was in such rough shape. Should she even bother to ask?

"Alexis." God how could she fix this? "You can call me Kate, you know."

The girl gave her a pained smile, "Okay." She paused, taking a deep breath, "Um...I want to…I wanted…never mind." She stammered, Alexi's nervousness sparked her own, "Would you like something to eat or anything?" Alexis had clearly changed directions from whatever was so important, but she let it go.

"No thanks, but is it okay if I stay here tonight?" She rushed the words out quickly, before she could overthink them. "I'd just feel more comfortable if I was close by…in case something happened." She swallowed, forcing down the worry that choked her.

Alexis's eyes widened, "Sure, you can take the guest room."

"Thanks." She would go home tomorrow morning to clean up—after checking on Castle first. The clothes she was wearing weren't that dirty anyway.

Kate watched the tongue tied teen carefully, something was obviously bugging her.

"Are you okay?" She asked carefully.

"Yeah…I'll tell you later." Alexis smiled warmly. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Kate replied, watching her head for her room. At least Martha would be there tomorrow night, Kate felt helpless to comfort Alexis. She wanted to help her, comfort her, but she didn't know how. Kate had been giving advice to Castle on how to help her for years, how come she couldn't help her now? She was an expert on watching a parent go through pain, so why can't even offer at least some of her experience to Alexis? If nothing else, she should be able to tell her how to cope with this situation. But what would she say, she's not even coping. Coping would mean Kate going home and being able to go a few hours without checking up on him.

She sighed heavily, she really was completely useless.

Kate returned to Castle's room, only to find him already in bed. She closed his door quietly; hoping he finally got a good night's sleep and went to the guest room.

She really did try to sleep that night. The covers were warm and familiar. The guest room hadn't changed from when she stayed there after her apartment blew up. Nonetheless, she knew she wouldn't sleep much anyway. Her mind was too awake with worry. Instead she stayed as quiet as possible, trying to listen for Alexis going to bed and for any sounds coming from Castle's bedroom. When she finally heard the close of Alexis's door she emerged, sneaking downstairs and standing outside Castle's bedroom.

She pressed her ear up against his door; she could hear his oxygen going. She'd much rather be in there watching the specific rise and fall of his chest that proved he was breathing, but this was as close as she was going to get for tonight.

Kate made herself comfortable, grabbing a pillow and a blanket off his couch before going to sit by his door. She kept one ear to the door, listening for anything that could mean bad news. Honestly, she didn't know how she was ever going to sleep tonight if she had to hear him breathe in order to feel safe to sleep. Her week at the hospital made her attached to the sound of his breathing. It was the only lullaby that could get her to sleep so for now, she wouldn't fight it. She would fight it later, when she had to get her life back to some sort of normalcy. As long as she was allowed to sleep at the Castle's home, she would let herself have this. It gave her a little bit of peace; she had to hold onto that before chaos returned.

Her head grew heavy and just as she was nearing sweet unconsciousness, a voice broke her out of her thoughts.

"Detective Beckett?" Alexis called out quietly from the top of the staircase. She looked hesitant, uncertain as she descended the staircase and stopped at Beckett's side.

Kate woke immediately, her nerves flaring at the presence of Castle's daughter, "Can't sleep?" Kate asked, trying to sound casual.

"Yeah, I can't stop worrying about him. Do you mind?" Alexis joined Beckett in her self-made bed outside Castle's door. They both leaned their heads back, listening closely for anything out of the ordinary. Kate felt bad for Alexis, her big new life was just ahead of her and she had to stop before she could even begin because Kate failed in protecting her Dad. That was really all she had ever asked of her and she failed.

"Detective Beckett?" Alexis whispered, her hesitance returning.

"Kate." she corrected. How many times would they have the names conversation?

When Alexis didn't continue Kate turned to her, surprised to see that Alexis was fighting back tears. Her eyes were glassy and her lip was quivering. Alexis looked so vulnerable. She thought she had seen almost every side to Alexis, despite not spending a lot of time with her, but after going through multiple crises Kate thought she'd seen most of the young woman's pain. But Alexis's expression didn't hold fear or sadness; it held guilt and Kate instinctively reached to comfort her. Kate knew guilt all too well. How it could eat at you. Whatever Alexis was guilty for, she doubted she deserved it.

"What's wrong?" she asked as her arms wrapped around Alexis. Alexis tried to pull away, but ended up leaning into Beckett's embrace.

"I'm so so sorry." Alexis choked out, Kate pulled back for a moment, confused at what she was apologizing for.

"What for?"

"I...I was unfair to you. I blamed you for all the problems in my Dad's life. It' not your fault he tried to be a hero and it's not your fault he got hurt. I'm sorry." Beckett was shocked at her confession, though she thought it was unnecessary. She blamed herself, though Castle's heroic idiocy played a part as well. If only she could've been there to tell him to stop digging in places he shouldn't.

Alexis sniffled, "Can you forgive me?"

Kate patted her head, a smile in her voice. "There's nothing to forgive."

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**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello again, short chapter this time. I'm writing this on a computer that isn't even mine so I kind of wrote this in a hurry. Apologies for any errors, I had a past/present tense confusion halfway through.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Castle. True story.  
**

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Castle woke with what felt like a hangover. Had he drank last night? Maybe Beckett hooked up liquor to his IV…

He looked, just to be sure.

No...Damn.

As he started to move, he struggled with the fact that his whole body was just going to hurt all the fucking time. Heck, it felt like he was tortured yesterday, not last week. The stab wounds in his side and the bullet wound on his chest were particularly painful this morning. Getting shot wasn't nearly as cool as it was in his novels, though he already knew that.

Just the memory of when Beckett was shot made him shudder, he had gotten lucky. His bullet hadn't been a fatal shot, unlike hers. He was immensely lucky she was even still alive.

Despite his better instincts that demanded he stay completely still, he tried to sit up. He wanted coffee, and painkillers. And he had to pee, how was he supposed to avoid moving? He looked at the walker that stood at the end of his bed, he didn't know who put it in his room, but just looking at it made him even more determined to walk on his own.

Painfully, he picked up his little oxygen tank from hell and lifted himself off the bed. His entire body protested and he plopped back down in pain. He was already short of breath and he hadn't even taken one step yet. This was going to be just so much_ fun_.

Castle tried again, throwing away some of his pride as he reached for the walker. His breath came in short pants as he held his body up with his arms. His legs felt like empty, even putting small amounts of weight on them made his joints nearly give out. It was like the bones were elastic.

His body protested as he made his way to the door. He turned up the oxygen a bit on his tank so he wasn't breathless like he'd just run a marathon. It took him a few minutes to walk only a few feet, but he made it and slowly opened the door.

He nearly ran his walker over the two sleeping girls curled up beside his door. His daughter had her head on Beckett's shoulder; both of them looked exhausted and sound asleep. Castle smiled at the image. He felt affection for both of them lump in his throat. He was careful not to wake them as he pulled their blanket over them a little more.

Were they really so worried about him that they needed to sleep outside his door? It was far too sweet for them to be that concerned, but really, they shouldn't worry so much. He'd be fine, hopefully back to normal soon.

Castle managed to make it to the kitchen, but once he got there, he was far too tired to keep going and sat down on one of the stools. Even with the oxygen, his breath was coming in desperate gasps. It was beyond frustrating, he barely even exerted himself and he was already tired enough to pass out from exhaustion.

Castle leaned his head forward, pressing his forehead on the cool granite countertop. The feel of the cold metal on his face brought a rush of images to the forefront of his mind, a cold scalpel splitting his skin. Metal cutting deep into his side...

It was like he was there again, in that room.

He sighed heavily, lifting his head back off the table.

Castle wasn't naive; he'd done a ton of research on PTSD for his books. He'd seen it first hand in his muse, but experiencing it was something completely unexpected. He knew that was exactly what was wrong with him, that sometimes he'd just disappear into painful flashbacks. He almost felt like what he'd been through didn't deserve that, like it wasn't bad enough for him to be experiencing Post traumatic stress disorder, but he couldn't help it. The images wouldn't go away and while, it wasn't real bad, he knew he couldn't ignore it forever.

And what if it wasn't that bad, he could just still be having mini aftershocks of what happened, maybe it wouldn't last long, maybe he wouldn't need any help.

The feel of delicate fingers running through his hair distracted him from his thoughts; he looked up to see who owned the soothing hand. Castle's eyes met Kate's as he looked up, her bright green eyes staring back at him in concern.

"How'd you get over here?" Kate asked, eyeing the walker.

"I walked. Did you enjoy your little slumber party with my daughter?"

She smiled, "Yes, the theme was worry about a reckless man by the name of Richard Castle." Castle answered her light tone with a grin, knowing she needed to see him smiling. He could tell by the slight shiver in her hand and the bags under her eyes that she still worried for him. It gave him a small bud of hope, but he quickly redirected his thoughts on that. He didn't need those kinds of feelings in his life right now; they'd only depress him further.

"So, if you need help walking, please ask." She said seriously. Her shift in demeanor struck him, and he ended up nodding solemnly. He didn't want help, his pride was already wounded from needing help to stand properly, but then again, it would make Beckett feel better.

"Now can I get you anything?"

"Coffee." Castle answered immediately, earning a smirk from Beckett. "And how about a good morning kiss?" Castle said it jokingly, and waved his hand like it was no big deal. And it wasn't, he said that kind of stuff on a regular basis. He honestly didn't want to think about his one-sided feelings for Beckett at the moment. But Castle didn't know about Kate's little epiphany. So when she leaned in and gave him a light, but firm kiss on the lips, he was speechless.

She turned casually to the coffee machine, like she hadn't just kissed him or that his jaw wasn't on the floor in shock. He must be dreaming, or hallucinating.

"Were any of the drugs the doctor prescribed me hallucinogens?"

She laughed, it was the happiest sound he'd heard from her in a long time, "Not that I know of, but I did tell the doctor to give you the good stuff." Her eyes met his and she winked at him.

_I'm definitely dreaming. _ Castle thought, blinking a few times as if he would wake up in his bedroom the next time he opened them.

"Well, that explains it." He laughed, happy that he could get her to smile for a moment. The bags under her eyes seemed to fade little by little when she was smiling. Before, at the hospital, he had never seen her look so tired. It was like every hour he spent out cold, she spent wide awake.

He hoped this wasn't a dream, it didn't feel like one. Everything was too real. Maybe she felt bad for him, that she was just teasing him to make him feel better. But Kate wouldn't do that, she wasn't that cruel. But then why now? Just a little kiss on the lips. It was something he hadn't been expecting. Even if every little teasing comment hinted at what he really wanted, he never expected her to act on it. Nor did he want her to feel like she had too.

He studied her as she sauntered towards him with a cup of coffee in her hand. Was she doing that on purpose? Walking _that _way. Smiling like that. Surely, those were not her normal ways of acting around him. He would've noticed, she was doing something different. The way she leaned in next to him just a little too close for it to be by a casual gesture, or how she lingered there for a moment was definitely not on accident.

Since she was already close, and the fact painkillers were impairing his judgment, he decided to do a test. His hand reached the cup her face. As he placed a hand on her cheek, her eyes locked with his. Interesting, she wasn't pulling away. Castle leaned in, seeing how far he could go before her wall stopped them. He leaned his forehead against hers, gently stroking her cheek. Her eyes glassed over, but it wasn't in sadness or fear. He only had one name for that look and he couldn't even think it right now. There were far too many emotions flowing between them to contemplate that look.

"Castle?" She whispered, her voice cracking slightly. Beckett didn't like to cry in front of people, he knew she'd probably withdrawal if that happened, so he ended their intimacy with a quick but heartfelt kiss and he pulled away.

Kate was startled by the abrupt end to their emotional exchange, but quickly recovered. Pushing the tears behind her eyes and joining Castle for morning coffee. Castle almost expected her to give an excuse to leave the room, or his apartment, but she didn't. To his astonishment, she simply placed her hand over top his. She kept it there, it made Castle smile. And a few minutes later, when Alexis walked in, she kept it there.

Maybe he did have reason to hope.

Alexis and Kate were quick to make breakfast for him. He tried to stand up to help, but they immediately settled him back down. He didn't argue, his body was killing him. He would need to take more painkillers soon, the thought made him frown. Weren't such strong pain killers supposed to make you feel relaxed and high? All they seemed to do was make his body useless and thoughts fuzzy.

He laughed to himself when Kate set a plate of pancakes in front of him, remembering when he made them at her old apartment. He was happy to see a smile on her face when he looked up to thank her.

As he ate, he felt both the eyes of his daughter and Beckett on him, studying him. He met their gaze a few times and he grinned in an attempt to reassure them. Castle was secretly pleased with Kate and Alexis's little camaraderie, but their constant worry made him feel a little crowded. He knew better though, he did get shot. When Beckett got shot, it killed him to even leave the room, to be apart from her for so long when he knew she was hurt. If Alexis was ever injured like that...God, he'd never leave her alone again.

"Do you need your painkillers?" Beckett asked suddenly, taking in his distressed expression. Castle wanted to say no, but his injuries were starting to really hurt. He scowled, but nodded in acceptance. Kate was out and back with a couple of pills and a glass of water in seconds.

"Thank you." He said, taking the pills, internally growling at the feel of them sliding down his throat.

Beckett looked at little less distressed as she hesitantly threaded her fingers through his hair. He smiled at her reassuringly, and her fingers grew more confident in their exploration. At the soothing feeling of Kate's hands, he started to feel the effects of the painkillers. The painkillers were much too strong, he didn't like it. The drugs made him fuzzy and unable to focus. He would attempt to focus on something and it would fade before he could grasp it. He tried this, with the smile on his daughter's face as she left the room and the gentle affection Kate was giving him, but he just couldn't.

After a few short minutes, his mind was incapable of understanding much of anything.

Later, a nurse came in to check on Castle. She was overly chatty and practically in love with him, not that Beckett could really blame her. At least she hadn't made some sort of lame medical excuse to see him naked, if that was the case she might have had to interfere. Castle was polite but overall, didn't pay her much mind. He was too drugged to focus on anything really. It didn't stop nurse _Debra_ from talking their ears off though. She talked about how much she just loves his books and how she's looking forward to his next Nikki Heat book. Kate smiled at that, Debra was passionate about the books, she'll give her that.

It was nearly an hour before she finally left, but he was given a solid bill of health and she promised to return later to check on him. Kate is grateful for the nurses input, she didn't know what to look for and it's comforting to have consistent updates on his health just to be sure.

Somewhere in the middle of the check-up, Castle transitioned from high as a kite to sleeping like a baby. Kate reminded herself to make the most of high Castle next time, and bring a camera. With his kind of imagination, she'd bet he would say some crazy things.

She was a little grateful for his current slumber, it gave her time to reign in her own exhaustion. Alexis was here, Martha would be here in just a few minutes. She could leave, gather her things at her apartment and come back. She would only be gone a few minutes, she had time.

Kate left a note for Alexis at her door, she can hear the teen talking on the phone. Beckett grabbed her coat and rushed out the door, already eager to be return.

...

Somehow, Castle made it to his bedroom. He wondered briefly if Beckett carried him before immediately dismissing the thought. She's strong, but not that strong. He must be still high, yet the mental image made him chuckle.

His pain felt much more manageable now. He stood without the gruesome agony that accompanied him before. He was still slow, crippled, but he felt stronger. He glanced the the clock, five pm, he'd been out for awhile then. He limped into the kitchen without much trouble, and sat at one of the stools. The fact that it seemed like no one was home made him a little nervous, but he quickly dismissed it. Maybe Kate and Alexis needed to make an errand run.

Feeling overall better and somewhat hungry, he made his way over to the cabinet, feeling confident in his ability to move without pain. It was almost like normal, not quite, but this could be a first step for him. He took down bowls, retrieved milk from the fridge. Happy that he could do this one thing without assistance.

He reached up for the cereal boxes, immediately regretting it as he felt the tug and pull of his stitches. A wave of nausea came over him and he stumbled back, falling to the floor. Pain ripped through him like an animal and he screamed. It was like someone had punched straight through him. He went immediately still, his vision spotting with pain and images of his attacker. He remained still as the images flooded his senses, he already knew they were just memories, yet the pain in his abdomen was overwhelming his logic. Desperate, he made a move to get up, run away from his attacker. He howled, the motion causing waves of pain to lap at his chest. His body throbbed with the motion. Moving was bad, not a good idea.

"Dad? Dad!" Alexis's voice brought him out of his visions and he made an effort to focus on her. "Oh god, Dad. I'm going to call 911."

He took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down."No...don't. I'm okay. I'm okay."

"No you're not Dad, I think you pulled out your stitches." Alexis sounded desperate. Castle forced his eyes open, she was at his side, clutching his hand almost to the point of pain. He focused on the feel of her hand, he was fine. He just needed a moment.

"No they're still in there, I can feel em." He croaked, the tug of the stitches was still present, he didn't break them.

"Then I'm calling Beckett and if she says to call the hospital, then you're going." She said sternly, he would've laughed at her expression except the pain hadn't stopped. He breathed deeply and rested his head back on the floor. The cool feel of tile against his cheek felt good.

"Oh god, Richard. Are you okay, darling?" Oh great, his Mother would no doubt call an ambulance.

Still, he made an effort to reassure her, "I'm fine, Mom."

"No you're not fine! Did you call an ambulance, Alexis?" Alexis glared at him, but shook her head.

"I wanted to, he said he didn't need one. I called Beckett though, no answer."

"We could take him to the hospital-"

"Girl's, I'm fine." He interrupted quietly, his voice was weak from shouting. He inspected himself for any legitimate damage. "See guys, look no permanent marks, I'm fine."

"But Dad, you...you were screaming and stuff. You scared me to death. Are you sure you're alright?" Castle cringed at that, he hated that his daughter had to hear that. Martha patted his head and they helped sit him upright. The motion made him a little dizzy, but he felt okay. He got lucky this time, he'd just have to be more careful.

"Sorry, I was just a little clumsy, that's all." He said, hoping they'd let it go and help him back to bed. Castle felt a little embarrassed about this incident and wanted nothing more than to sleep it away. Martha glared at him, like the second he wasn't look she was going to pick up the phone and call an ambulance anyway.

Suddenly, the door flew open with enough force it might have made a whole in the wall. Beckett stood in the entryway, her hair was drenched and her expression was filled with panic.

"Castle!"

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**Thanks for reading and reviewing! **

**I'm hoping to somewhat wrap this up next chapter.**


	7. Chapter 7

** So last chapter...I just really want to thank all of you who read this. You are all awesome!**

**Season five of Castle will be coming up soon (YAY!) I look forward to see all the fangirling that will be going on. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own Castle, mmhmm. **

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Castle's life was in danger.

In danger because Beckett was possibly going insane.

From the second she walked in the door and found him on the floor, she hadn't left him alone. Normally, her constant presence was something to be happy about, but in this case not so much. She refused to let him do anything on his own; her constant worry was starting to get on his nerves. Hell, even when she had to go take a bathroom break, she sent Alexis to stalk him. It was infuriating.

Castle squeezed the bridge of his nose in frustration; it wouldn't be so maddening and _awkward_ if she'd just talk to him without her worry or anger in the way. He usually can cope with frustrated Beckett pretty well, but with drugs in his system and the soreness in his bones he's just about had it.

"You okay, Dad?" Alexis said, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"I'm great, Sweetheart." He replied, swallowing the venom in his mouth that said otherwise. He had no right to take out his grumpiness on her.

Alexis looked at him doubtfully, she could always see through him so clearly, but she thankfully dropped it and plopped on the couch beside him.

"Where's Beckett?" He asked, suddenly realizing that she wasn't hovering nearby. He let his body relax slightly, knowing her penetrating gaze wasn't assaulting him for the moment.

"Around. I told her you might need some space. You know, you're not being all that subtle." She smiled at him, but it made him feel worse. Guilty, even.

He let out a low groan and Alexis patted him on the back, "Don't worry dad, I think she gets it. I know you're trying so hard because you don't want to upset her…or me." Castle gave his daughter a hard look as she kissed him lightly on the cheek and walked to the kitchen.

For the first time in a long time, he might need his mother's help to work on his acting skills.

Castle leaned back into the couch, letting his eyes slip closed. If only he could read Kate's mind, everything would be so much simpler. He was too tired to walk on eggshells around everyone, it required balance, patience and right now he didn't have either.

When Kate peeked in a few minutes later, just to make sure he hadn't done something stupid like practice jumping jacks, she found him sleeping on the couch. Beckett knew she was being overbearing, but she would be there next time something happened. She wouldn't miss the next time he needed her.

His little fall was a minor thing, but hearing Alexis's panicked voice and Castle's labored breathing over the phone was just a little too much for her. It was like a weight, the constant "What ifs" flying through her mind kept her alert. That weight wouldn't go away until his safety was guaranteed.

Her worries plagued her at night; she hadn't slept since she visited her apartment yesterday. She fell asleep in her own bed, its familiarity and warmth was comforting and far too tempting at the time, now she just regrets those few hours of unconsciousness. If she hadn't fallen asleep she would have been back earlier, and the whole thing wouldn't have even happened.

Beckett found herself wandering closer to Castle, standing over the back of the couch, letting her fingers run lightly through his hair. It was oddly soft; the feeling brought a faint smile to her lips. He thankfully didn't wake as she continued to thread her fingers through his hair. Strangely enough, this was always something she had wanted to do, even if she didn't admit it to herself. It took her awhile to truly understand the urge.

Castle suddenly jolted awake when her phone rang. She pulled herself away from him, apologizing as she opened her phone.

Castle looked at her groggily, "Kate?"

"Beckett." She said automatically, ignoring Castle's puzzled stare.

Esposito voice sounded irritated as he spoke, "Hey Beckett, I got news on the dicks who took Castle."

"Please tell me they're all in custody."

"Sorry Beckett, don't think so. All the men we have are dead ends, useless mercenaries." Beckett felt anger burn her insides, she gritted her teeth. How could they have missed them, where could they have gone? They were cornered, a whole team of SWAT guys on their tail. Where could they even go?

Beckett loosened her fist, it didn't matter. Castle was alive, that was her mission. Either way, mission accomplished.

"Beckett?"

"I'm here." She answered, the fight evaporating as she met Castle's concerned gaze. He offered his hand and she grasped it without a second thought. The sensation of his hand in hers made her relax, she'd much rather have Castle alive than have all of them behind bars.

The realization blinds her for a moment. Yes, she would rather have Castle living than have the people who killed her mother, Montgomery, and a handful of others, behind bars.

She was selfish.

She loved him. Completely.

If it meant Castle's death, she wouldn't want them to be caught. She wouldn't care where they were if their freedom meant his survival.

Kate was vaguely aware that Esposito was still talking, but all she could focus on at the moment was her hand still firmly held in his. His normally blue eyes seemed darker, haunted. She has tainted him, to some degree. At first, it seemed her darkness was grounding him. Now, she can see how it's haunting him. The fear and pain there, they match hers.

"I need to call you back." She mumbled, her voice weak and tired. How many lives is she going to damage with her problems?

"What's wrong?" Castle asked, his annoyance from before completely forgotten. Kate said nothing as she walked lazily around the couch. She plopped down beside him, letting her eyes fall close. When did her life take such a different direction?

"Kate, are you?"

Before she could think through the action, she threw herself at him, her lips locking with his roughly. Her fingers tangled in his hair and she pulled him impossibly closer. After the shock wore off, he reciprocated the action, their lips moving together in sync. Castle pushed back against her in encouragement, the movement elicited a groan from him and not the good kind.

Remembering his injuries, Kate pulled back, panting as she sucked in a breath.

"Sorry, I just needed some air." Castle gasped, holding Beckett close as his muscles started to unwind. Beckett leaned her head on his shoulder, trying to work up the courage to say all the things she couldn't. How she loved him, how sorry she was for poisoning him with her problems.

She tried to speak, she really did. The only thing she could muster up was, "I'm sorry, Rick."

Castle's grin dropped to a deep frown, "Kate…"

At that moment Martha chose to dance in, her voice booming, "Unless you guys are going to get a room, get up!" Kate discreetly wiped the beginning of tears from her eyes before getting off Castle's lap and standing.

She smiled at him, hoping he accepted it. Despite Martha's presence, he gently caressed her cheek with the back of his hand, "You alright?"

"I'm okay." She was, for now. Her guilt and fear were under control for the moment.

Martha glanced between the two of them, both amusement and concern in her expression. "Both of you and Alexis are going grocery shopping."

"But, Mother-"

"Don't you 'but mom' me. Doc called and encouraged you to move a little, keep your blood moving. You're going to need your wheelchair, by the way." Castle groaned theatrically.

Beckett laughed as she went to get her coat, "Are you sure he's okay to go out? I mean it was only yesterday that he fell."

Martha was clearly worried for her son, but she simply said "He'll be fine." And called for Alexis to come down.

Castle smirked and took Kate's hand, "Finally, I get to leave the loft."

"You better enjoy it, because when you get back, I'm handcuffing you to the bed. Can't have you injuring yourself." Castle's eyes widened as Kate half dragged him out the door.

…

"I have the list!" Alexis hollered from down the aisle. Castle was brooding in his wheelchair, constantly insisting that he can move it himself as Kate and Alexis alternated between pushing him and pushing the shopping cart.

Before they left, Beckett didn't contemplate how… domestic this activity was. It should be sending alarms off in her mind, but instead she was somewhat enjoying herself. It felt natural to be hanging with the Castles, doing a simple mundane thing as grocery shopping with them.

She smiled as Alexis returned with syrup and the list. "How much more do we need?"

"Few things, milk, ice cream,- " Alexis rolled her eyes towards her father. "Bread, eggs, and I think that's it."

"Alright, well let's go get milk then."

Castle stopped his wheels just as they were trying to push him, "No, I'm going to wheel myself, thank you very much." Both women put their hands on their hips at his temper tantrum.

"Castle…"

He shook his head, "No, besides the doctor said I should move. I'm not moving if I'm just sitting on my ass while you guys push me." Castle stubbornly pushed his wheels forward.

"Suit yourself, let me know if you get tired."

They slowly made their way over to the dairy section; Castle wasn't exactly faster wheeling himself. Alexis glanced at their list before informing Kate they needed two gallons of milk and some eggs. As Beckett was walking back with two gallons of milk in her hands she noticed Castle staring at her with the oddest smirk on his face.

She returned his smile, "What is it?"

"Nice jugs." He burst out laughing at his joke, muttering "ow" in-between laughs.

Beckett glared at him, but struggled to keep the scowl on her face. It was kind of funny. ..

"Sorry." He muttered after a moment, taking in her expression. He had the decency to look like he was about to be punished.

She rolled her eyes and let out a chuckle, "It's fine, Castle. It actually is kind of funny."

Beckett put the milk in the cart before grabbing the handles of Castle's wheelchair and pushing down, causing his wheels to go up. Castle let out a surprised yell before his wheels plopped back down.

"Hey! No scaring the cripple!" He exclaimed, righting his wheelchair.

"You're no cripple." She laughed as she pushed his chair down the aisle. The writer managed to stop, but couldn't get his chair turned around.

They were both laughing when Alexis came around the corner, "What's so funny?"

"Nothing." They said in unison.

"Sure." Alexis took the handles of Castle's wheelchair and started pushing him.

The grin on Castle's face made her think that maybe she hadn't broken him as much as she thought. Maybe he'd really be okay.

…

That night, Kate didn't even bother with the pretense of going to the guest room. She made her makeshift bed outside of Castle's room, he was already asleep, well pretty sure he was asleep.

She didn't know how much longer she could stay here without becoming more of a burden to them, but no one had said anything yet, so she hadn't asked. Beckett liked to think her presence was welcome anyway.

She leaned her head back against the door, allowing her eyes to fall close at the sound of his small movements.

On the other side of the door, Castle was most certainly not asleep. He was tossing and turning, he had heard enough of the phone call between Beckett and Esposito to know that his captors had not been caught. Would they come back? Their job wasn't finished, he knew too much. He would have to go into witness protection, Beckett too.

That possibility didn't seem all that bad at the moment.

But why wasn't she pissed at him? He was the reason, or at least part of the reason why they hadn't been caught. He stood from his bed and began slowly pacing the room. Pacing being a generous term, he was more so limping from one end of the room to the other. Unable to take all the questions spinning around in his mind, he walked out of his room, determined to go and confront Beckett.

He had assumed Beckett would be in the guestroom, but instead he nearly tripped over her at the foot of his door. She looked small sleeping there all hunched over and from the looks of it, uncomfortable. Normally he would have done the manly, romantic thing and pick her up while she slept and placed her in his bed. But unfortunately, his injuries halted his efforts.

"Ah, dammit." He muttered, the small sound startling Beckett awake. She stood up instantly, alert.

"Are you alright?" She demanded. Her eyes were wide with concern; it was like she was expecting something to be wrong.

"I'm fine. Why are you sleeping on the floor again?"

"I…wanted to." She mumbled, shaking her head. If Castle didn't know any better, it looked like Kate was blushing a little.

"Well, there's no reason for you to be uncomfortable." He smiled and hesitantly took her hand. He saw no resistance in her expression as he gently tugged her into his bedroom. He was almost waiting for her to give him a firm "No" but it never came. They both laid gently down on his bed, the tension between them spiking. The tension was not entirely sexual, but unspoken words. There were a lot of things that needed to be talked about.

Kate was nervous as she let her head rest on the pillow beside Castle, his blue eyes meeting hers.

They just stared for a few minutes, neither willing to start a conversation that could end very badly. Or it could end very well, but often times when these discussions finally came, it never seemed to end well.

Castle was the first to break the ice, "I'm sorry, Kate." Her brow furrowed. He was sorry?

"For what, Castle? If it's about the murder board in your office, I get it. Well, I'm kind of pissed about that, but I get it."

Now Castle was confused, when had she seen that?

"No. No not that. I'm sorry that I kind of ruined your case. I thought I was protecting you, but I put your life in more danger." Beckett was already shaking her head before he finished.

"You don't need to be sorry, I'm going to have a target on my head whether you're there or not, Rick." Castle felt a surge of emotion at Kate using his first name. She should be angry with him, was there something he was missing?

"Didn't they all get away though? If I hadn't been in the way they would've been caught." Castle couldn't meet her eyes, he felt responsible. How many times has this happened? How many times would he get in the way? He thought doing this on his own would keep her safe, make this whole thing easier.

Kate put her hands on his face, forcing him to look her in the eye, "I don't care, Castle."

Castle met her gaze. He looked confused at the thought, "What…"

"I don't care Castle, I went in there looking for you and I got you out. That was all I wanted."

"I don't think I was worth it. How many more people are going to die because I was in the way?" Kate slapped him, hard enough that the sound of it seemed to echo throughout the room, but not hard enough to actually hurt. Castle touched his cheek in disbelief.

"You were worth it, Castle. You are more valuable to me than that. You're more important than a case!" Castle was taken aback by her honesty. The sincerity in her eyes was too much, he pulled her closer. The slap to the face momentarily forgotten.

When their lips met it was more than a kiss, it was a thank you. Castle couldn't put into words how grateful he was to her for saving his life. Their kiss was gentle, careful. Both of them very conscious of exactly where they were and how much they were capable of.

When they broke apart, he had to tell her. He had to tell her that he how grateful he was, "Thank you. I can't…if it wasn't for you I'd be dead."

Castle gently wiped the tears pooling at the corner of her eyes. She leaned her forehead against his before whispering. "I…I love you, Rick."

His eyes widened in disbelief. Did she really just say those words? Hope and love pounded in his chest, "I love you too."

"I know." She smiled and planted a heated kiss on his lips. Castle wasn't sure if he would ever hear those words come from her. He wondered briefly if this was some twisted dream. He was so sure that their last fight was really it. That everything they fought for, everything they've been through meant nothing.

"So we're okay?" Castle asked, it all seemed too good to be true.

"We're always okay, Castle."

The End.

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**SORRY FOR CHEESY ENDING (and the short chapter). I had no idea how to end this honestly. Well I kinda did, but not really. **

**Well, now before season five starts I suggest a "The ship is canon" party. **

_**Thanks for reading and**** reviewing!**_


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